The In Spirit Back Story?
by Keiya Tasire, founder of In Spirit
Looking over the memories crossing my mind at this moment, I realize that there is a story. It is one of belief, trust, and courage. Dusted with an attitude of I will never quit! I will never give up! I will live according to the purpose and reasons I have choosen to return to earth to live, to learn, to love and be in joy in this life.
The Very Early Years
Memories of childhoold challenges of abuse, neglect, abandoment, ailienation, innappropiate touching and a rape; all before the safety that attending kindergarden would provide. But please, I was not left defenseless and without understandung.
I was a very colicky baby, cared for by a mother who wished to be traveling, with her husband, rather than making formula and sterilizing bottles. Among her tasks, she was juggling a constantly crying and hurting me. She never let me forget those years and how cruel they were to her. Her story included, longing for the time my father would return from work. When he came through the door, it was with relief that she handed me over to him. Yes, life was tough on both of us. I was the oldest of the four children she had birthed within four years. From the time I was one, until my fifth summer, my father worked at Mercury Test site, also known as area 51. He would leave very early Monday mornings and return home by dinner time on Friday nights. My mother was beside herself during the week and very relieved when he walked though the door on Friday nights.
I was a very curious and independent child. Who asked a lot of questions, and loved making mud pies to bring into the kitchen to bake on my mother’s pie pans. Of course, this incuded baking these pies in the oven too. I had watched her many times and knew how to turn on the oven and match the arrow on the dial with the correct 350F degree mark. She told me I was a handful. Looking back on those years, I was full of my dad’s independance, spunk, vigor, and intelligence.
Relief Provided By A Neighbor
Arcola, a very caring and loving neighbor, asked my mom if she could take me to Primary during Wednesday afternoons. It was a good way to give both of us a break. It was February in the winter of 1959, I just turned 3 years old, and just old enough to go to Primary. In Sunbeam class we learned about a Heavenly Father and Mother, who love each of us dearly. I learned that I was their child and they were the parents of our Spirits. As many other children in life, I as taught spirtual skills. How to pray, how to ponder, how to search the Spirit for answers. Later in life, I learned how to stop the words in my head, breathe to calm myself, and “Be Still.” Because of these teachings, by 4 years old, I came to know that my Hevenly Parents would not suffer me to stand alone through the challenges of this world.
Wednesdays in Primary proved to be a huge blessing in my life. So foundational, they saw me through many of my life’s challenges. At 4 1/2 years old, sexual abuse came by my mother’s sister’s husband. I was so angry at him, I would not even call him “Uncle.” Turning to my mother, she shut me up and refused to make it right. Like so many others of my day, I heard the words,” We don’t ever, ever, talk about things like this!” “What happens in this house stays in this house! Do you undersranding me?!!!!” Yes, she yelled and I put on a coat of shame and guilt that did not find its way off of my shoulders until I as 33 years old.
We just did not know at the end of the 1950’s and early 1960’s the repercussions such actions would take on our personal, and already complicated family relationships. I was a truth speaker and mother, on the defensive twisted, manuviered and gaslighted to keep life on an even keel. It was frustrating hearing her counter my truth speaking with denial and fabrications to various family members. Each utterance was a knife of betral stabbing into my heart. I think her reaction may have been typical of many mothers who found themselves having to harbor such secrets. Because to talk about it, would mean social ruin in a small town. Particularly for a Malay, Yaqui, French, Spanish woman who’s trying to be “okay” in a predominately caucasian neiborhood.
Somehow by age six, I sensed that we are each connected through a beam of light from our hearts to God’s. Like a telephone line, you can use whenever you need it. And need it, I did! I learned to pray, sharing with God, all of my worries and concerns. Asking for help and guidance to survive my days and feel loved. To my six year old self, both of my Heavenly parents were also my earthly parents, every moment of every day. Whenever I needed them, I’d find a place alone to pray to them. They carried me through the angry wraths of my mother’s ailienation, lack of emotional care, contact and love. So many loveless days, seeing her frustrations, harshness, anger and abuse. She and I were both trying to grow up together. By the time I was five she had stopped the physical abuse, and yelling. And vigalently kept me safe from furhter sexual abuse. Yet the other patterns neglect and emotional abuse continued. As an adult I realized that her love language and mine were very differnt. Her showing of love came from baking, cooking, keeping the house and clean clothing to wear. I was opposite, longing for hugs, to be read to, and have play time together to know and feel loved. We were like two ships passing by each other on the big ocean of life.
What was Expected
Growing up, I was raised to marry my high school sweet heart, have children, and be a “good” dotting wife. In 1974 I was told I would never have any children. The doctor assumed that due to the early rape, my uterus was so badly mishappen, it would never carry a child to full term. It was expected that I would not marry and live at home, working beside my mother and later in life, and care for my parents in their passing days. Yet, I had a dream to go to college and desired to marry and trust that I would have children, if it was meant for me to do so. No matter what, I would make it happen! Even to my parents’ shigrin.
Rising From Victimhood
I continued on, asking questions and pursuing answers, to my questions. Along the way I felt the guidance of the Inner Voice assuring me on, through life’s many continuing challenges. Through grief, loss, the misdeeds of wolves in sheep’s clothing, miscarriages, divorce, self pity, standing up and getting on with healing and life. Challenges came and went; marriage, failed marriage, single parenthood, seven children, death, more loss, more grief. Alientation continued, gaslighting continued, taking a stand, healing, and moving on. Choosing and creating my life step by step, challenge by challenge, decission by decission; experience by experience.
Along the Path
Yes, after rising from victimhood, moving through personal empowerment on toward understanding, forgiveness, peace, and with others, Mother Earth, the Heavens, and all life around me; expanding into the love and unity of all that is living. It carried my body, mind, spirit, heart and soul forward, line upon line and precept up on precept. I learned that life’s challenges have a purpose! A very important purpose. This purpose brings us to our knees and if we ask and if we belive, we can, and we will go on and become! Healing and gleaning the lessons and wisdom that of each of our life’s challenges.
At each junction of each challenge, there is a choice point. A place were we can choose to seek underatnding and grow and heal. Yet it is each one of us who makes this choice to open the door. If we do we find compassioate undestanding, supportive wisdom, forgiveness, and light. Or if we choose not to walk through this the door, we stay stuck in our same old patterns. Thus obtaining the same old results.
Lifting the Veil
During my struggles mentors, teachers, exemplars, and ancestors showed up. Each an angel, walking beside me! My pride, shame, guilt, and defenses disapated, and disolved. As I cried for help, asking to find a way to live in the light of love and joy, instead of the pain and suffering that my mind was creating. I desired that the veil between myself and happiness be rent. And it was. It is now, gone.
Life’s a journey where we each may choose to seek understanding, open to new awareness, asking questions, and obtain answers. Within this process, wisdom grows, as we forge a personal relationship with our understanding of the Divine. It is a process that enlightens our path, transforms our life and creates wholeness. We learn how to transcend the mundane and step into our enlightened Higher Spiritual Self. Over the years our mind, body, spirit, heart, and soul work to raise our awareness to step into our Higher Spiritual Self, a transcended Human Being waking into deeper Chirst, Buddah, Krishna, Dervish, etc Consciousness; depending on your personal undersatanding and and spiritual beliefs.
Who Were My Angels
They were teachers, friends, coworkers, and counselors. They were scenes in a movie, words on a page, something someone said to me in conversation, a line of song or the brushstroke within the composition of a painting. They came by personal reflections, prayers, pondering and meditations that opened the door to learning about dearly departed anestors, angles in dreams, a near death experience, and a deep sense of understanding, or an awe type moment springing from my deep inner well of knowing.
The Deep Inner Well
Some call this inner well, “Gut feelings” others call it “The Higher Self” and yet others call it “The Holy Spirit” or “Great Spirit,” or just “Spirit.” It is known by many names. It reaches people by dreams, in the flash of a still waking moment, during the stillness of prayer, or meditation, or even in near death experiences, or even during the process of creating. This source taught me what was needed to lift me up to the higher understandings that are connected to the lessons of life’s challenges. Clear of bitterness, clear of hate, clear of revenge, clear of shaming or guilting. Free from the continuing games of keeping the drama live.
All of my angels have been wise gracious, non-judgemental, heart centered, and very respectful. Each encouraging me to pay particuliar attention to the Inner most Spirit from the deep inner knowing that comes from within our sacred heart; giving guiance, inspiriation, and opening understandings far beyond what we are able to accomplish alone.
Each mentor, knowingly or unknowingly opened a deeper inner connection to Spirit within me. Now, I am reaching back to support others along their way. As they take steps to realize their role and sacred work within their own life journey toward raised awareness, and wholeness.
Through In Spirit, I am reaching back to open the doors of wellness and healing, only as wide as your heart is ready to heal.